


lapiss lazuli becomes an addict ft. peridot

by hydreigon300



Series: crack au [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: COME AND SNORT IT UP, Crack Fic, F/F, THE PUREST STRAIN OF STEVEN UNIVERSE CRACK, abusive lapidot, excellent grammer, mostly lapis and peridot but mostly lapis, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-10-31 06:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17844545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydreigon300/pseuds/hydreigon300
Summary: Lapis wakes up for a snack but gets an addiction instead





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Lord forgive me for what I must gru
> 
> Also I apologize for the shit formatting I posted this on my phone.credit to my sister, we wrote this together

Lapis woke up at 3:00 AM because she suddenly remembered she doesn’t need sleep. She ran to the mini fridge to find nothing but cans of LA Croix. Lapis shivered in disgust

“Who even buys this crap?”

It was actually Lapis who bought the La Croix. She wanted to be a skinny queen.

The blue thot grabs the keys for her Rose’s Lamborghini but she doesn’t know how to drive so she crashes into a tree. and she forgot she had wings so she just flew there instead

As she arrives to 7/11 she see’s two high schoolers smoking. they seemed very ugly and skinny. lapis didn’t seem to question it though as she thought it was normal to be that skinny and frail she sees pearl everyday and she’s even skinner!

Lapis approached the two boys and asked what they were doing

“Hitting the Juul” was their response

“Where can I buy one?” Lapis said

“Inside”, both of the boys said

“Alright now get outa of my way your scaring me and everyone here” people outside of 7/11 are fucking weirdos

As she walked in she could smell old rotten lettuce yummy! She looks around for a little bit and grabs a few snacks and drinks for her to consume later on she goes up front to pay for the Items and buys a Juul, a pack of cigarettes that are made out of rat shit, and a lighter to try because she is quite curious and wants to try something new

Lapis then flys back to the barn once she arrives she lights up a cigarette and sucks up all the air in her lungs and starts coughing like she belongs in the hospital and her eyes become watery. Peridot was woken up by the awful stench it gave also by lapis coughing

“Can you shut up? I’m trying to sleep also what stinks like shit?” Peridot Yelled from across the barn

Lapis stays silent

“And what are you doing at 3:43?”

Lapis ignored peridot at this point lapis thought about how quirky she had become she began to think she’s not like other girls. Lapis didn’t like the smell too much herself. She then stomps out the cigarette with her bare foot then cringed when she burned herself

Lapis turned back to peridot and yanked her by the feet and slammed her onto the cold wood floor that had nails sticking out of it. Lapis jumped in the warm spot and ignored the lice that crawled into her head she fell asleep to the peaceful sound of peridot sobbing in misery

 

———————————————————

 

3 months later...

“Peridot give me your fucking money”

“No lapis you need serious help-“

Lapis pushed peridot onto the floor and started to search the barn like a crazy person. 

Half of the barn is gone because lapis sold everything for money. The barn smells disgusting like burnt rat shit and pencil lead and even peridot has been affected by the secondhand smoke. There are used needles all over the floor.

“Move the fuck out of the way you stupid selfish bitch you don’t even care about me!”

Lapis jumped hard on peridots back while she was on the floor when lapis realized there was nothing to search all their shit is gone

“IM GONNA GO GET STEVEN” peridot screamed at her, she was gonna EXPOSE lapis lazuli, beach city’s new druggie

“NOOOO” lapis had a reputation to protect,shes also angry and having withdrawals, so she lunges at peridot and stabs her with a dirty heroin needle

Peridot is instantly addicted to heroin, now her life is ruined. She collapses and starts foaming at the mouth

“GOOD, AND STAY THERE, BITCH”Lapis shrieks at peridots vulnerable body

Lapis still needed money though. She grabbed a trash bag and started to collect the cans of la Croix

Lapis started flying all over beach city to peoples houses and looked through their garbage for cans. a man across the street smiled at her, lapis smiled back with brown missing teeth. She was stinking like rotten shit and smoke

When the bag was full and she was sick of people staring at her,she went to the recycling center and turned in the cans.

They only gave her 7 bucks and 18 cents.

Lapis broke down and cried, she didn’t even have enough for a pack of cigarettes. Lapis stays there for hours just screaming and sobbing in the street

A person walking by looked at her appearance, she had no shoes her dress was raggedy and she had short blue hair. The person realized that lapis must’ve been kicked out of her house for being gay

“Here lady have some money”

Lapis stood up and hugged the person, who held their breath because she stank like decaying ass from smoking, digging through garbage, and never changing her clothes

“THANK YOU” Lapis screamed in their face with smoker breath

Lapis ran as fast as she could to 7/11 in her bare feet, they were all hard and cracked from stepping on cigarettes and looked like E.T feet

She ran inside and made the whole place stink, lapis can’t speak any more she can only stutter and make noises.

“GIHB ME SOHMJ SIGGS BITHSCH!!!” Lapis yells with hope, desperately waving her money around, and pointing to where the cigarettes are

“Hello 911,” the cashier said in a scared voice ”there is a crazy homeless here please come get her out”

“we are on the way mam”

The police show up and see lapis acting retarded.

“You are under arrest for disturbing the peace, hands up where I can see them”

“NO”

Lapis resists arrest, at that exact moment the crystal gems finally enter the 7/11.

Lapis is so crazy she starts to take her clothes off. Pearl covers steven’s eyes, Garnet takes her glasses off to get a better look.

The police chase and tackle a naked Lapis. She starts kicking, punching, and slapping them. The police use a taser on her and she just screams, Amethyst is taking a video of lapis fighting the cops

“WORLDSTAR!!!”

Lapis stops moving and the police handcuff her and confiscate the money she worked all day to get. She starts crying again and the police throw her in their car and drive her away

———————————————————

 

Another 3 months later...

Lapis is getting out of prison and she has tattoos now one of them is Peridot’s name with a heart around it. Peridot is her bitch.

Lapis flies to the barns and her plan is to act like nothing ever happened except she finds Peridot foaming from the mouth and the needle is stuck in her arm still. Peridot is in the exact same place she was stuck there 3 months ago,

Nobody bothered to check on her. lapis laughed for a good 10 minutes then pulled the needle out and stabbed herself with it. she collapses and foams at the mouth.

Shortly after the gems come to visit and welcome lapis back from prison, they find the both of them on the floor and take them to the hospital hoping they are dead because they’re sick of them

“What the fuck is this?” Connie’s mom said “Steven you can no longer be with Connie GOODBYE!”

Steven cries and screams at lapis and peridot’s limp bodies

“IT’S YOUR FAULT I CAN’T GET CONNIE COOCHIE!!” Steven Screams

“Her coochie prolly ain’t even that good bro” Amethyst said

Steven starts shaking

Pearl comforts him,”Hey there is plenty out there for you. Rose always loved Coochies”

“Yes but she liked dick more because she left you for greg ” Garnet said

Pearl started to cry next to steven

Lapis immediately T-Poses and levitates our of her hospital bed.

“Steven” Lapis says in a powerful majestic voice

“y-yes lapis?”

“I give you my blessing to have PERIDOT coochie” Then lapis died and ascended to heaven.

Steven turned to Peridot with hope in his red puffy eyes and the monitor flatlined.

Steven sobbed even harder.

Everyone starts clapping and crying tears of joy that it finally happened. Lapis and Peridot finally fucking died.

———————————————————

                   THE END


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis gets revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter alone,that’s why it reads differently from ch.1. I will be writing this by myself from here on out
> 
> Originally this story was gonna be a oneshot, but I thought of some more crackhead lapis shit that fits into this so expect more garbage.

Steven was having a pretty good day, he took his insulin shot and Pearl was finally getting looked at by the doctor for her yeasty chlamydia. He stepped out of the Big Donut but heard some sounds coming from the dumpster and took a peek at what it was

A homeless person was pinning Peridot to the ground while Lapis let out a disgusting hacking cough, Peridot had a bag over her head and was making anime girl noises. Lapis finished injecting the green illegal alien with a Russian drug and tossed the rusty needle to the floor

“n-nya!”

“Shut up bitch” Lapis punched her in the throat

Steven stared for a couple seconds before lapis noticed him

“Hi Steven!” Lapis said in cheery mood

“STEVEN HELP ME-”

“I said shut up” Lapis stood up and kicked Peridot in the side of the head with her dirty feet. Peridot neck broke and she stopped moving

“Finally the drugs kicked in, Steven do you still want Peridot coochie?”

“YES” Steven has stars in his eyes

“Hold up I want some of dat green hoochie coochie too” Amethyst showed up “Don’t be selfish jew Steven”

“Wait you two, I also want to have a piece of the thicc baddie Peridot as well” Pearl had followed Amethyst and was rubbing her skinny bony hands together while thinking of peribooty

Peridot’s drugged body was on the gross floor surrounded by trash and broken glass.Roaches and bugs crawled over her and foamy saliva was trickling out of her mouth indicating drugs and rabies. she smelled like doodoo 

“hey I want coochie too” Garnet said

All of the gems were here to attain Peridot’s legendary BUSSY

“NO I WAS HERE FIRST” Steven screeched he didn’t want to lose his one chance of getting with a gamer. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE ILL KILL MYSELF IF YOU GUYS DONT LEAVEEEE”

“We are staying and getting some of that gucci peri coochie ” Garnet said firmly

As they argued Lapis ran around the corner and called the police

“Hello 911 there are 4 womens here, two are minorities”

“we are on the way with guns”

Lapis laughed. She was going to get revenge on these stupid fucks for what happened at 7/11 three months ago. All the money she worked hard to get was stolen from her

The police arrived and saw the gems and steven 

“The mexican and black one first!” one of the cops screamed with hatred

Amethyst was tackled to the ground and punched and kicked until she couldn’t get up. Garnet was immediately shot and killed by every officer who had a gun cause they thought she was black. Pearl moved to grab Steven as a meat shield but they shot her ass too.

Amethyst and the gems but not Steven cus he’s not a REAL gem, were yeeted into a car and driven away to rot in jail for eternity 

Lapis laughed until one of the cops got her into a chokehold and she couldn’t breathe. for a single second she deeply regretted shapeshifting lungs just so she could smoke and get a nicotine addiction. They arrested her and confiscated everything she had 

“ NO I CANT GO BACK THERE PLEASE OH MY FUCKING GOD”

3 grown men dragged lapis into the police car where she screamed and banged on the windows and jumped around in the backseat. she was kicking the window with her e.t feet and left black marks 

the police also arrested Peridot and threw her in with Lapis. The bag was yanked off and the only body part Peridot could move was her eyes. She stared at lapis as they were both driven away

Steven did a fortnite dance while crying. his entire family was just arrested now he had to live with his abusive alcoholic father, Gregory, who also touched him sometimes .fuck.

——————-

Lapis and Peridot has just arrived to beach city prison. The same huge men who threw lapis in now were dragging her ass out. She was screaming and and kicking them

“LET ME GO PLEASE OH MY GOD PLEASE I HAVE KIDS MY KIDS NEED ME”

the officer grabbed her wrist, twisted and broke it. lapis whole entire being went numb and she fell to the floor like jelly, she looked up at them with pure fucking hatred and hissed at them

“guacamole nigga penis”, lapis said in a chipmunk voice

they didn’t bother picking her up they dragged her across the floor and lapis stopped fighting back she just closed her eyes and her spirit drifted away she was at complete peace

“check her asshole”

Lapis eyes snapped open. oh god they were going to find everything. oh shit oh fuck

peridot was in a wheelchair behind her and just stared 

Lapis felt all the drugs she had hidden being pulled out from her cheeks, she was thrashing violently and screaming

“RAPE THIS IS RAPE SOMEONE STOP THIS DISGUSTING RAPIST FUCK “

lapis didn’t give two shits she was being touched her drugs were getting stolen!

“MY DRUGS PUT THEM BAAAAAACCKKKKK” she collapsed into a pathetic heap and sobbed, feeling and digging around her now empty butthole. She missed the wrapped up weed and cocaine packets that were there and screamed more

Peridots eyes, no matter how much she willed them to look away, could not. She couldn’t move her neck. it felt like torture being forced to watch lapis act retarded and Peridot cried from secondhand embarrassment

“throw them in the worst block”

“ok”

both of the gems went through the rest of checking in. Lapis continued to fight them out of pure hatred. Peridot couldn’t do much and put up minimal resistance she looked like Steve hawking

“PERIDOT HELP ME” lapis was being tazered but was crawling around. peridot just stared

———————-

After the blue crazy bitch was shown her new cell she took a fat shit- she wasn’t empty after all-, didn’t flush the toilet and let the stink permeate and age in the tiny cell

Lapis sighed in content and went to find the crystal gems but somebody stopped her

“Hey! looks like you’re new, I got an extra bag of chips wanna share?”

“fuck you ugly ratface whore get outta my way”

Lapis pushed the ugly girl to the side but was stopped by more hideous people

“Where the hell d’you think you’re going bitch” another deformed girl said , “this is prison you can’t just push people and get away with it, we’re gonna come for yo ass”

“Come for me then bitch I have a gang I’ll fucking murder you hoe” 

then Lapis grabbed a plastic fork in each hand and stabbed the girls eyeballs. Everyone around her pulled out shitty prison weapons and started fighting. not even an hour in prison and lapis had already started a riot

Lapis felt something hard hit her in the back of the head and her eyes blurred with tears.if she was human she would have been gushing blood from that. she turned around only to see 

“Amethyst!WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!”

“sorry dude, everyone is getting lit out here nd I just had to!, anyways come on let’s get out”

They snuck out through the chaos. That hit really felt like Amethyst was trying to kill her but lapis kept quiet.

They walked through the gross hallways that smelled like piss and bloody vomit. Amethyst had her hands behind her head as she walked. 

“So Garnet and Pearl reformed already, we really got this prison gang thing rollin”

“Good cause I think I started a gang war”

“Sounds cool. how?”

“Ugly bitch offered me some chips and I said no”

“whaaaat? How could you just turn down food like that?!” Amethyst wished she hit lapis harder and finished the job

“I didn’t want to be gang raped in my sleep.”

“Tch. fucking lame I woulda done it”

“Shut the fuck up I have a heroin addiction I don’t need an std”lapis had second thoughts when she said that having aids would make her quirky

“ugh just shut your whore mouth already we’re here” Amethyst stopped walking and they both stopped in front of the bathrooms. It was stinky like shit and disgusting inside nobody did a good job at cleaning. Garnet was standing by the sinks, too disgusted to lean against anything. Pearl was screaming and having a seizure on the dirty floor from being in horrible surroundings. 

Amethyst just sighed when she saw Pearl, like it was a normal thing.

“err just ignore her she got into some shit earlier...”

“And we didn’t?”Lapis scowled pearls shouldn’t be treated special or excused for their shortcomings the only thing they deserved was painful shattering and end of existence.yeet.

Lapis also noticed Pearl reformed with a yee yee ass haircut and laughed at her stupid ugly ass

“Retards.Shut up and listen. I have a plan to get out” Garnet spoke up. It’s been only 2 hours but she was sick of this shit

“Wait why would we want to leave? This place is awesome fuck the stupid gay temple!” Amethyst was fuming and lapis actually agreed with her the barn was a diseased shithole(because of her)

“Yea fuck that place it’s trash I’m staying”

“...there’s no good food or drugs here”

“WHY DIDNT YOU JUST SAY THAT WE HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT”lapis was going insane holy shit there’s no good drugs here!?!FUCKFUCKFUCK. lapis’ innate crackhead energy subconsciously felt its already dwindling source being threatened and her body started twitching. she had a crippling seizure while sobbing at the same time. she landed on top of pearl and they wiggled and flopped on eachother like fish

“No food? Gay. I’m out dis bitch”

“I fucking thought so. Now that that shits been settled we better go save Peridot”

“oh yea I totally forgot about her”Amethyst looked at the two wastes of life on the floor, “haha look at these guys Garnet they look so dumb weshouldkillthem”

“Hahahahah”Garnet look at them and laughed. Garnet picked up Pearls skinny shaking rag doll body and threw it into a stall with a brutal slam that cracked the walls. Pearl landed into a toilet that still had shit and pee in it. ew das nasty. Garnet turned around and looked at the fat purple gem 

“No Amethyst I’m going to kill you” then Garnet punched her and Amethyst died. ‘Murder on My Mind’ by YNW Melly started playing. Garnet shed silent tears from what she just did but realized she didn’t feel bad and flushed amethyst gem down the toilet except it got stuck and swirled around. she left the useless gems in the stinky bathroom to find peridot

————————-

Peridot was happy she was away from crazy lapis. any time away from her was good, even in prison. It was sad nibba hours tho, she thought of the days when lapis wasn’t insane and missed them. peridot still couldn’t move but that was fine, she relaxed on her bed in her cell until she heard someone come in.

“so you’re my new cell mate?”

peridot opened her eyes but couldn’t see them, they were behind her 

“hmph, looks like you can’t move...heh”

peridot really didn’t like the sound of that. oh god. not another fucking weirdo.please.

“It’s fine, you don’t need to move for what I’m about to do” 

 

She felt a wet rag come over her face and she guessed it was supposed to kill her but it just blinded her. Peridot sadly couldn’t shapeshift lungs to be able to suffocate and die, no matter how much she wanted to sometimes. She felt hands yank down her prison pants and honestly peridot been through this too many times to still give a shit so she took a nap

The door slammed open again. damn it.she couldn’t even sleep in peace

“Stop right there! I will not allow this because that coochie is mine!” Garnet shouted

there was slapping of bare feet as someone ran into the room

“NO I WONT LET YOU GUYS HER COOCHIE WAS MINE FROM THE BEGINNING” it was lapis

peridot has been in this situation so many times but her pants have never been pulled down. her legendary cooch has never blessed the eyes of any witness

a smell of shit filled the room. well it already stank before, and lapis made it stink like smoke, but this smell was pungent like dog shit piss and crap 

“I WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH FOR HER COOCHIE” Pearl announced. Peridot heard her summon her spear

Peridot saw bright flash of purple light through the rag and then someone tumbled to the floor

“WHATS THIS ABOUT PERICOOCHIE?! I THOUGHT YALL WAS JUST TALKING SHIT BUT THIS IS THE REAL THING, ITS GONNA BE MINE, HOES”

The rag was lifted and Peridot could finally see what the heck was going on. Garnet, Amethyst, Lapis, Pearl, and her cell mate were surrounding her. She was still on the bottom bunk

“Wait,” Garnet said, “before we fight for it let’s all take a look.”

“That is a great idea Garnet!”Pearl screeched in garnets ear making her cringe and garnet bitch slapped pearl slamming her into another wall

“Yea let’s see if it’s worth it” Amethyst pulled out her iphone 4 to record

Lapis started to smoke a cigarette and lazily asked, “who’s gonna pull her pants down?”

“Let her cell mate do it. They were going to do it before so might as well” Garnet suggested

Everyone agreed so Garnet dragged peridot from the bunk to the middle of the floor where the nervous cell mate handled the rest. They surrounded Peridots body like vultures and eyed her up and down. Amethyst was drooling

“HURRY UP ALREADY DUDE!”

“O-OK! Moment of truth...”

Garnet clenched her fist

 

the cell mate fiddled with peridots pants and got a solid grip on the waistband 

 

Lapis hacked and sputtered from her gross rat poop cigarette 

 

The waistband was pulled a few inches down to the thiccest part and met struggle

 

Amethyst was heavily salivating and recording with shaky hands

 

The band was pulled even lower, only couple more centimeters now...

 

Pearl was up close and really staring. Her pointy Jew nose embedded itself into Peridots thigh, severing an artery. both of them cried silently for different reasons 

 

With a swift movement the rest of the pants were torn off and fucking obliterated. Everyone present leaned in closer to gaze upon the highly esteemed genitals of the homeworld technician

“It’s........”

“What the...”

“I just nutted”

“There’s nothing there”

“WEVE BEEN SCAMMED”

Instead of the mythical BUSSY they were expecting, there was nothing there. Peridot had her shit looking like a naked barbie doll from the waist down headass

“ok, so basicly, there is no coochie”

“Welp I’m getting the fuck out. Bye guys.”

“I’m sickened what the fuck is this?!?I hope Peridot rots in hell let’s go guys”

 

The gems summoned their weapon and killed Peridot for scamming them. Lapis vored her gem then killed everyone with a cup of water. she vored the rest of the gems and became heavily pregnant

Lapis rememberd she had powers and flew away from the prison with her bulging stomach flapping wildly. It was time to go home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully when god looks at me on judgment day this won’t be what sends me to hell, thanks for subjecting your eyes to my bullshit, have a good day


End file.
